Moments with grandma - The Intro

Those who know me, know that I'm not close with my grandma. (ok, i'm generally not close with people.)

Growing up with her was painful, from my point of view. Years of being put down verbally. Years of being anxious at the sound of her footsteps. Years of being denied as a being.

Yea. I am not fond of her.

But this is just my side of the story.

This is my blog.

This series will remain as my side of the story.

But maybe as I think back and decipher some of her actions, I can start getting rid of this unconsious hatred that's been breeding in me.

Maybe.

Just maybe.

The only place.

This blog was created when I was young and stupid.

I needed a revenue to release my emotions. Emotions that I suppress everyday...even from myself.

Till today, this is still the only revenue that I can rant freely.

#adultingfail.

I doubt I'll ever re-read what I've ever publish.

If someone is reading this.

Draw lessons.

Laugh at my stupidity, my selfishness, my pathetic life behind the mask.

Pick yourself up.

Explore earth while you are still alive.

Because when breathe stops, there's absolutely no turning back.

Live strong!

Facade?

Seems like everyone is putting on a fake front these days. A pretence of being able to understand what they are doing.

And it feels like I have to fake along as well.

But, i really have no idea what is going on. How?

Hero

要當英雄，就要付出當英雄需要的代價。

Premonition?

These days, I fear I wont be able to wake up the next day.

Stress?

Vicious Cycle

I pack my schedule up till there's no space to breathe.

Then blame my packed schedule for the lack of time to do anything productive for my business.

I clear my schedule till it looks like something more humanely manageable.

I feel lost and aimless during the times when I am supposed to work on my business.

Cycle repeats.

How to break this shitty cycle?!

Urgency. Please.

It's 11pm. I have just down at least 10 cups of espresso while learning to calibrate coffee this evening at work.

I'm feeling wide awake, and super sensitive to everything around me. The lights on the train seem extra bright, the music from the ipod extra loud and the white noise from the train extremely unbearable.

The last conversation with a mentor is on repeat in my mind.

"If you still don't know what you want in life,  t may be too late."

I don't know if it's the caffeine or the sudden realisation that time is running a little too fast for my liking.

But i'm feeling the need to start doing something.

Something to stop the procrastination. Something to stop thinking that 'inspiration' will hit me like rain from the sky..someday.
Something to get the cog spinning.

I am still lost. But I know that if I keep procrastinating, occupying myself with unimportant things and wasting my time on 'cheap labor', I may end up regretting when my life amounts to nothing after all this mental tug-of-war.

Nobody got anyway just by thinking.

This time, its time to stop thinking, stop passive learning and start doing.

Something. Anything. Please.

please, don't forget this feeling when you wake up tml.